I fail to understand life at times, not only life but the entire Universe..
Why does it have to rain just when I am making peace with the heat?
Why do the clouds have to play hide and seek when I fall in love with those little drops of rain and wind?
Why do I have to change my base and move over to some other place when I was trying to happily settle at home?
Why do I have to go and slog for someone else when I can happily laze away my time without being answerable to anybody?
Why things have to fall apart over and over again when I am I desperately trying to put them all together?

I have the answers to all the “why’s” but I want someone to more lucidly explain me.
That understanding which would make things more clear and calm, help me blend into things faster.
But then why am I yearning for someone else when all I should need is myself to make things better?

This dichotomy continues and will continue forever..it needs a perfect, placid mind to follow these eccentricities but then why should I be perfect at all?  

Confession

The sorrow in my mourning heart
The shudder of my fragile body
The burning in my tearful eyes
The longing of a loved one in my empty arms.

My hands shake incessantly
My feet constantly move
My mind never relaxes
My heart feels empty.

I am lonely all the time
Even when I am surrounded by people
I am shedding tears all the time
Even when my eyes are dry.

I can feel my desperation go strong within
I can feel my heart beat slowly fade
Never ceasing to rest
Never ceasing to smile.

I

An undesirable orphan

An insufferable flesh

An intolerable sentiment

An obnoxious sight

Born of an inconceivable conception,

Not of an immaculate one.

I am not grown of any stray seed

Scattered in a forgotten field.

I am not the product of any such

mundane sin or chastity.

Like any other life

I was also born for pleasure,

I too had a vision,

Something to achieve

Something to want,

Something to aspire for,

But destined to suffer, endure

Unnoticed, unwanted, unwelcome

Consigned to oblivion,

To the unending fire

Of rejection, exclusion and failure

Why Love??

Great things have been written about love, wonderful movies have been made glorifying love, masterly art-pieces have been built exhibiting love; its one terrific emotion surpassing all other emotions but then...

why, why love someone??
Why do i love my mother?? 

Because she loves me , she is the only one who would cater to my mean behaviour, not complain even if I don't touch a morsel of the food she has cooked, skillfully save me from dad's tough and heavy questions.
Why do i love my friend??

 Because she writes my assignments, does my home work, she is always ready to accompany me for my stupid shopping and movie endeavours, she is ready to take in my anger and ego at one moment and still smile at me in the other moment; most importantly she loves me.
I always find 100's of reasons to love the subject I am loving let it be my best friend, my sister, my dog, my books, my diary- but why??
 There was this one time I was on the other side , I had a reason to love but the love was not reciprocated with the absolute intensity it should have been. I was more engulfed with the mist of visual tension than harmony. I wanted to tower above myslef and my emotion but I was as helpless as a mouse in a trap; the trap here being love. It had sunk within me.
I was associating love with grief, anxiety, doubt, fear, envy, jealousy; it was showing me hell where I wanted to see heaven. It did not take much time but it had done considerable harm by the time realisation dawned.. 

I started to question myself. Do I have that miniature and immature a heart that is always on a rampant search to find selfish reasons to love? The mellifluous voice of the heart was turning melancholic. It wanted to love unconditionally, selflessly without any wish, demand, expectation. I wanted to take in all negative thoughts, be resilient and be that vast source of care, affection and love. I wanted to shun the desire within my heart to be loved in return.
I wanted love to remain only pure love not mixed with any myriad emotions. I wanted to live upto the true meaning of it as all people madly in love describe it to be , not let any love go unrequited.

The Loudest Voice: Silence

How do I define Silence- symbolising peace or indifference?? Few days back when someone asked me "what is silence"; I fumbled and I realised that any English dictionary would fail to give a definition satisfying all aspects and criteria of silence.
That moment of happy silence when you get to hear a very good news and words fail to express that joy in your heart; all you want do is let go your emotions, cry (tears of happiness), hug someone tightly and grab onto that moment forever. The awkward silence that takes over a funny conversation when one subject has been put into a situation of embarrassment due to the revelation of a long lived secret. 
There is an intriguing pin drop silence when your mother is scolding you for not doing well in your exams or after being caught of doing something not acceptable. There is a guilt in the silence.
The beautiful moment when you want to reach out to your beloved and confess all your love but again words play hide and seek, you stammer but your eyes do all the talking. There is silence, a powerful silence that expresses more than words can or could have ever!!

There is a strange affinity for being quiet, for maintaining silence, for remaining in love with silence forever.. The loud silence, the eerie silence can dissect feelings and emotions better than any words; it can stir the soul of a stone and brings about painful truth. Life's deepest and darkest feelings are expressed through silence, it speaks volumes.

I don't see any lucid definition of silence, i just see the silence behind the shouts, the cries, the wail, the laughter, the smile and even behind the silence.