I am unable to decide what should I choose for you, what should I gift you
whether the moon or the stars will make you happy

I don't know what should I say, what words should I choose
whether my silence or my words will make you happy

I don't know if I should say the truth or should I say nothing
whether my presence would be just enough

I don't know if I should understand or let you understand
whether the eyes and heart can do the endless talking

I don't know whether I should my true self or should I fake it all out
whether you would know what I am trying to do

I don't know whether I should be there or should I not
whether my absence and presence can make a difference

I don't know whether you will like it this way or the other
or whether you will not like it at all

I don't know what matters to you more-you or me
whether we both are same for you or not

I don't know if you are happy or not
whether I am a reason for that happiness

Solitude, Loneliness, Alone

I am alone not lonely.. or better I am just trying to make peace with solitude..
The very use of so many synonyms to an undefinable feeling explains it all..
By choice or by no other choice, people remain alone or people feel lonely..
perspectives differ and so does the feeling.
Sometimes there is a zest to stay alone and to discover our inner self. We always stay accompanied with that talkative mind of ours which is either conspiring against others or if not anything then trying to differ from our heart. And at the same time the beautiful moment of solitude changes into pangs of loneliness if we are longing for someone to decipher those unspoken thoughts. All is how we see it to be.
Lovers always want to be left alone so that they can spend some beautiful moments of their life discovering and knowing each other better but there comes a point when they individually want to have their own space and spend some quality time with their own thoughts.. irony.. yet true..
We want to be left alone when we are fighting some negative emotion within us but then there is a deep longing in the heart to embrace solitude and reach the zenith of peace.
Whenever I say I like to be left alone or if I am lonely I am better- I get different reactions.
Some people look at me as if they have just seen a ghost, that is the depth of aversion they have towards the word. I even invite myself some sympathy from people who think I am undergoing some kind of mental trauma and I am abnormal. I fail to explain that I maybe with someone and still be lonely and I maybe alone with an ocean of feelings, thoughts surrounding me.
After all it is better to stay alone all by yourself than staying alone in a crowd.

I fail to understand life at times, not only life but the entire Universe..
Why does it have to rain just when I am making peace with the heat?
Why do the clouds have to play hide and seek when I fall in love with those little drops of rain and wind?
Why do I have to change my base and move over to some other place when I was trying to happily settle at home?
Why do I have to go and slog for someone else when I can happily laze away my time without being answerable to anybody?
Why things have to fall apart over and over again when I am I desperately trying to put them all together?

I have the answers to all the “why’s” but I want someone to more lucidly explain me.
That understanding which would make things more clear and calm, help me blend into things faster.
But then why am I yearning for someone else when all I should need is myself to make things better?

This dichotomy continues and will continue forever..it needs a perfect, placid mind to follow these eccentricities but then why should I be perfect at all?  

Confession

The sorrow in my mourning heart
The shudder of my fragile body
The burning in my tearful eyes
The longing of a loved one in my empty arms.

My hands shake incessantly
My feet constantly move
My mind never relaxes
My heart feels empty.

I am lonely all the time
Even when I am surrounded by people
I am shedding tears all the time
Even when my eyes are dry.

I can feel my desperation go strong within
I can feel my heart beat slowly fade
Never ceasing to rest
Never ceasing to smile.

I

An undesirable orphan

An insufferable flesh

An intolerable sentiment

An obnoxious sight

Born of an inconceivable conception,

Not of an immaculate one.

I am not grown of any stray seed

Scattered in a forgotten field.

I am not the product of any such

mundane sin or chastity.

Like any other life

I was also born for pleasure,

I too had a vision,

Something to achieve

Something to want,

Something to aspire for,

But destined to suffer, endure

Unnoticed, unwanted, unwelcome

Consigned to oblivion,

To the unending fire

Of rejection, exclusion and failure

Why Love??

Great things have been written about love, wonderful movies have been made glorifying love, masterly art-pieces have been built exhibiting love; its one terrific emotion surpassing all other emotions but then...

why, why love someone??
Why do i love my mother?? 

Because she loves me , she is the only one who would cater to my mean behaviour, not complain even if I don't touch a morsel of the food she has cooked, skillfully save me from dad's tough and heavy questions.
Why do i love my friend??

 Because she writes my assignments, does my home work, she is always ready to accompany me for my stupid shopping and movie endeavours, she is ready to take in my anger and ego at one moment and still smile at me in the other moment; most importantly she loves me.
I always find 100's of reasons to love the subject I am loving let it be my best friend, my sister, my dog, my books, my diary- but why??
 There was this one time I was on the other side , I had a reason to love but the love was not reciprocated with the absolute intensity it should have been. I was more engulfed with the mist of visual tension than harmony. I wanted to tower above myslef and my emotion but I was as helpless as a mouse in a trap; the trap here being love. It had sunk within me.
I was associating love with grief, anxiety, doubt, fear, envy, jealousy; it was showing me hell where I wanted to see heaven. It did not take much time but it had done considerable harm by the time realisation dawned.. 

I started to question myself. Do I have that miniature and immature a heart that is always on a rampant search to find selfish reasons to love? The mellifluous voice of the heart was turning melancholic. It wanted to love unconditionally, selflessly without any wish, demand, expectation. I wanted to take in all negative thoughts, be resilient and be that vast source of care, affection and love. I wanted to shun the desire within my heart to be loved in return.
I wanted love to remain only pure love not mixed with any myriad emotions. I wanted to live upto the true meaning of it as all people madly in love describe it to be , not let any love go unrequited.

The Loudest Voice: Silence

How do I define Silence- symbolising peace or indifference?? Few days back when someone asked me "what is silence"; I fumbled and I realised that any English dictionary would fail to give a definition satisfying all aspects and criteria of silence.
That moment of happy silence when you get to hear a very good news and words fail to express that joy in your heart; all you want do is let go your emotions, cry (tears of happiness), hug someone tightly and grab onto that moment forever. The awkward silence that takes over a funny conversation when one subject has been put into a situation of embarrassment due to the revelation of a long lived secret. 
There is an intriguing pin drop silence when your mother is scolding you for not doing well in your exams or after being caught of doing something not acceptable. There is a guilt in the silence.
The beautiful moment when you want to reach out to your beloved and confess all your love but again words play hide and seek, you stammer but your eyes do all the talking. There is silence, a powerful silence that expresses more than words can or could have ever!!

There is a strange affinity for being quiet, for maintaining silence, for remaining in love with silence forever.. The loud silence, the eerie silence can dissect feelings and emotions better than any words; it can stir the soul of a stone and brings about painful truth. Life's deepest and darkest feelings are expressed through silence, it speaks volumes.

I don't see any lucid definition of silence, i just see the silence behind the shouts, the cries, the wail, the laughter, the smile and even behind the silence. 

A Walk To Remember

Today i woke up at 5.30 a.m (pretty early for me) . A bright summer morning, clear sky, cool breeze- it called for a morning walk. and all i could have for company was my little German Spitz, Koffee for company. Little did he know that the excitement with which he joined me, he would be regretting it altogether in the next 1 hour.
we started off with me admiring nature and he busy sniffing into every other thing on the road. He made me exercise too with running after squirrels, little birds , cats not letting them be at peace in that beautiful morning. i could hear the birds chirping away, the sunlight streaming its way through the green leaves and since it is summer vacation for schools and colleges, I could see kids playing basket ball, cricket and few of them learning to ride a bicycle.. while i was busy looking and exploring those little morning activities of the people on the road, i had totally forgotten about my Koffee.. He had all of a sudden become very quiet. he didn't have the energy to budge from his place anymore.
All my efforts to  make him move went in vain. every passerby had sympathy for him, "poor dog, how much can he walk". and here i was all embarrassed as to why i did this to him and myself??!!
and after 5 minutes, i was hurriedly rushing back  to home with Koffee in my arms. every onlooker had different expression which showed different emotion  rather curiosity but all i wanted was to reach home fast. Koffee was enjoying the walk of his life. He had perfectly (read snugly) fit himself into my arms and had the look on his face which said "don't make me walk this much again"

By the time i reached home the sole purpose and utility of the morning walk was gone. instead of relaxing, i was furious at that little thing for all the trouble he caused me. but then it was a totally unique experience and a different walk to remember!!

Niceties of Nice

To appear beautiful,
What vile things we do!
To get ourselves taken in
How much we give in
Suppressing truth,
Glorifying falsity,
Singing in the praise of deceit,
Laughing at sincerity,
Holding up virtue to disparage
Promises as sticky tentacles
All this we do blatantly
To pass off as beautiful
Acceptable in society at a price
Baring niceties of nice.

The Final Good Bye

4 years- you call it an era ; maybe not but i do!

Yes i do because it taught me the most important lessons of life, it helped me grow as a person, it gave me a bunch of beautiful people in my life, it made my life..

When everyone was gone and i had to stay back in 2A 58 alone for two days; I realized college is over. Now i have to cater to myself, i cant look forward to Swati or Sunita doing small jobs for me beacuse they have left. I dont see those innocence filled eyes of Sweetu, she is gone leaving behind an emptiness which cant be ever filled. How i wish the station was an easier place to let go off people, but it becomes even more difficult-the last time i saw Stuti (that face is going to last me a lifetime), the last time i saw Vidit. That one day 12.05.2012- all i did was see all my loved ones go away..It started off with one awful morning with Akansha, Aditi leaving; it wasnt the first time but the pain was all the same, it was making me feel even more insecure. All I could do is smile,because i wanted to see them go smiling. by the time this could sink in, I had to see off Bhavana. I didnt know how to respond, I really didnt know how to react, I didnt know whether I would again see her or not, I knew she was going and she left leaving behind tears. With Shalvi and Shailesh leaving that same evening, all i could do was ponder how many more hours for me to leave this place???

13.05.2012- I knew it wasnt going to be easy but it was inevitable. All the happenings of this day will remain with me till I breathe my last. I cant forget that eerie silence that kept creeping in after Nam left. Anchal was trying hard to be optimistic. "sab wapas aayenge" is all she kept on telling. I was tired of seeing off people but there was still more to go. Couldnt avoid the moment when i finally said a good bye to Shibashish, Nirvick and Pratik- it felt pathetic but I was helpless.

And then when one last final time Gourav drove me back to hostel,it was difficult. I knew it was over for me too. I had nothing to say, nothing to do..all i had to is move from this place and leave for home.

August 2008, I had come to this place with tears in my eyes and May 2012, I leave this place with tears in my eyes. 

My college gave me some memories which i would treasure forever, it gave me people who taught me what is right or wrong, friends who taught me to smile, trips for which I would do anything to live them again..

Who will not call this an era??

I DEFINITELY WOULD!!